Sometimes I Feel Like Screaming

Well, yes!

Happy New Year to whoever still reads this crap!

Exciting Holiday, Part Whatever

I wish I could say I’m having the time of my life right now but I’m really not. I know holidays are supposed to be those moments when all the family just comes together and you give presents and everyone’s happy and cheerful and you eat a lot of food that will make you feel guilty and convince you that you need to go out jogging more often ‘after the holidays’, some indefinite amount of time later, which you never do.

Since this stopped being a ‘personal’ blog a while ago, one personal entry can’t possibly hurt that much.

My Christmas holiday wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, the ‘Thank God everyone’s in good health, let’s all eat, drink and celebrate’, no. I think it was a rather quiet and sad year as opposed to others in my life. It was the calm after a huge storm which involved me leaving for good, my dad on the brink of divorce but with a comeback, my mum doing chemotherapy and going to a clinic in France and so many other things. Somehow it’s always when you hit this sort of emotional rock bottom you realise that you can still be happy from some things, things you’ve not felt in years almost, you forgot what they felt like.

Apart from that my first few days in Eastern Europe felt like a bit of a shock and there will always be something about this lifestyle that will keep eluding me. Why people are so laid back, sometimes rude and uninterested will always remain a mystery. I’ve not seen anyone in a hurry, anywhere, as if the whole world is moving in slow motion for them. The general feeling this place gives me is something of a ‘Relax, where’s the fire, why are you in a hurry?‘. It’s a bit like entering a separate universe where time goes by so slowly that my hectic lifestyle is just annihilated by everyone else taking their time at… just about everything.

I’m still rather annoyed by the fact that it’s a corner of the world where not many seem to care about pollution, hence the number of enormous SUV’s on the street along with other 4×4 vehicles. I’ll always have a problem with this, I’ll always have a problem with the fact that you don’t need a lot of brains to get your driver’s licence, if your name rings a bell to the local authorities in charge then you and your whole family could just drive drunk, do whatever and be told off and that’s about it. The amount of money circulating as bribe would probably scare anyone not used to this.

What was that the rest of the world was shouting and screaming about? Size zero models? The beauty industry? No, it’s not yet reached Eastern Europe, I’ve yet again depressed myself going into a store looking for a pair of jeans only to find that they don’t have my size but they could have a size 6…and they definitely have size 4 which is a bit of an overkill. Women here aren’t petite or anything, they’re not French and they don’t live on cheese and wine and delicacies but it’s still hot to be a model with an ‘aspiring career’ sleeping with a guy 20 years older than you, being driven around in a Porsche or a Maserati, a Maybach perhaps and being taken shopping in Milano, Paris and the World’s capitals of couture. Long, straightened hair, skinny jeans, high heels and long 1.10m legs are an asset. Yes, here a huge pair of boobs and concealer plus airbrushing will still get you places. Amazing places!

Among other things, my brother started playing the guitar when he abandoned the prospect of drums because he wouldn’t have anyone to learn from and because my mum would probably lose any bit of sanity left if he did. My sister started spending more time in the bathroom and in front of her mirror than I do which is a bad sign but I’m confident she’ll be putting it to better use than me since she’s blonde and blue eyed (we look nothing like each other). My other brother has decided he wants to study in Switzerland and I’m already rejoicing at the thought of chocolate from all these different countries where my family will end up in a few years! In a way I’m happy they found a place of their own in various places around Europe because we’ve never been so tightly-knit anyway. I’m thinking I probably won’t be seeing ALL of them not even at my own wedding, whenever that will be (or more important in this context, wherever). As a matter of fact, I think I’ve reached inner peace and an agreement with myself that maybe I don’t want to or I won’t be angry if they don’t. Sometimes I also wonder what my parents think of me since I grew up to be a product of England more than anything else they wanted me to and by the time they figured that out it was too late to change. Anyway!

I’ve spent a lovely yet intoxicating (because there’s no such thing as a smoking ban) evening with Iris, a friend of mine working for Time Out magazine and we discussed interesting things such as office parties, getting smashed at the office and random stupid people we’ve worked with (advertising is this rock and roll lifestyle and everyone just wants to sleep with you because being a copywriter is totally cool) plus some other gossip concerning lives and screwed up relationships of others. I wished her a lovely New Year in London and hopefully she has actually landed there and reached her friends’ house by this hour, somewhere around the Stepney Green tube station. She hasn’t answered her phone yet so I’m afraid she either died from the wonderful smell of the suburbs of eastern London or has been sleeping.

Another evening was consumed at my best friend’s birthday (since my 2nd year in school, with ups and downs) when at 3 in the morning we were smoking inside the toilet of a local club thinking how sad we are that we’ve still managed to be friends over the years. It only struck us very late that we’re a bit like the Sex and the City girls, not quite exact replicas but approximate versions of Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha. Yes, I’m a Miranda and it’s sad!

Miranda : Last night Steve and I held hands for an hour and a half watching… the fire. He was looking into my eyes; I was looking for the remote.

Miranda : I just got Brady to sleep.
Dr. Leeds : Now, do you sing to him?
Miranda : Only if he’s been bad.

Anyway. My two best female friends are only available ‘through the internet’, one in Germany and the other in Austria. It makes me somewhat sad but I’ve always liked travelling, I guess this could be the time of my life and I just don’t know it!

Ahh, cynical entry over I think. I’m going to Paris in a few days with a lovely cold and stomach pains. I want my crazy Manchester lifestyle back and I want it now!

We Made All This For You!

So inevitably I will end up writing about things I like and are relevant to me in attempt to make others aware of their existance, but never to force them to like them. I’ll try to explain things that seem obvious to me but not to others even though sometimes I fail at it, missing important facts and details.
For a bit of useless info, I read about one thousand feeds with Google Reader nowadays and sometimes I delete some of them which haven’t been updated in ages or ones that seem irrelevant to me (like when I want to buy a car, I might be reading some blogs about cars and reviews but then the interest dies out). It’s just a passing thing, if I get over a stage in my life like buying a house, a car, a new camera, chances are I won’t be interested in reading about housing prices or specialty camera reviews in the upcoming year.

I’ve noticed two executions today that sparked my interest, some very strange looking Audi TT posters on “I Believe in Advertising“. Here’s just one of the two ads coming from Italy (DDB), image from the blog linked earlier:

Audi TT – Welcome on board.

The graphics might make your head feel like a frisbee and at most you can relate them to those things made by the kind of people that feature in CR with their board designs, album art and so on. The whole thing about snowboarding is having a board that looks cool when you ride it, when you’re stationary and when you’re taking a picture with it. I never went skiing in my life so I wouldn’t know but the ultimate goal of a snowboard is to make its owner proud, most designs being easily recognised by those passionate about this kind of thing. You can picture two blokes in a film saying ‘Did you see Ellie? She got herself a Salomon‘ – ‘Yeah mate, I’ve noticed, shame really, she was so hot‘. Yeah, like that! Your board just becomes more important than you when your name isn’t famous.

I had to mention all this about snowboarding and boards and whatnot because the Audi TT Quattro is “known to be the one preferred by snowboarders. These two ads were planned only for snowboarding magazines. “

Excuse me? Really? I’m a bit in doubt about a few things here:

1. Yes, we know snowboarding is an expensive sport if you’re not privileged enough to have been born in France, Austria, northern Italy and the Alps, anywhere in Norway or near a decent slope, meaning about 85% of Europe that was unfortunate so targetting these ads towards boarders makes some sense. All these exotic locations are expensive for those that don’t live in any of the countries mentioned, chances are even if your country has a few locations, they are either rubbish or will damage your board. Or it just so happens that there’s no snow one given year and you’re screwed.
2. Since I’ve been snowboarding I haven’t noticed anyone with an Audi carrying their snowboarding equipment because Audi is a posh car, snowboarding is a rough sport. It’s not all glamorous neon pink suits and goggles shining in pictures. People reading snowboarding magazines know that. “Elbows are red, ankles are blue, three hours of make-up will probably do” (source) – it’s like that, you see. You can afford to buy an Audi but dragging it up all the way to the slope will make you feel bad about torturing it and you’ll have to stuff your things in the car sa it’s not that big on the inside.
3. No, I haven’t been going to cheap ass resorts just for the record.
4. People who can afford a board with graphics like those in the ad (about £500 for your boots, board and bindings) and holidays can probably afford an Audi (About £33,000) but as I said earlier, Italy seems to have an interesting take on advertising and consumer insights. Very much like France I’d say. Given we’re only talking about snowboarding magazines in Italy it seems odd. I know they’re into expensive cars and luxury is by far more important in Italy than it is in the UK but this is taking it a bit too far. It doesn’t make sense, why make an ad only for Italy then? Audi isn’t for sale only in Italy.
   
5. The moment you buy an Audi and take it to the slope you’re no longer a snowboarder, you’re a poser. It’s just a tag that you’ll never get rid of, unless everyone else in the parking lot owns an Audi, a Porsche, a Volvo XC90 and so on. Then I’ll take my words back!

It just feels as if they’re saying “Look, we made this Audi just for you, because you’re a snowboarder. We even made you ads to go with it. Will you please like it, please?“

Is Italy that different from the rest of the world?

Oh, The Choices

I’ve noticed something really interesting about Beck’s in Romania. Their campaign mostly revolves around choices and the idea that ‘Life is What You Choose’. I’m not sure about the UK but here the cans look really good, pretty much like their website and the doors in two colours:

“With the guys” / “With the girls” 

“A romantic night” / “An excuse sent by text”

If you’re drinking alone it just makes you want to get a black pen and cut off the choice you’ve ignored albeit some of the options making you look like a very sad person who would take <something else> over a night out with a girl. But oh well. Can’t have them all!

Retro Gaming Party

Sometimes I feel blessed that I can still read and speak French, not being able to do so would have made me overlook this superb idea coming from BRM (Bloggers Recommendation Project) for Domino’s Pizza in France.

Retro Gaming Night

The idea called ‘The Retro Gaming Tour‘ brought together a number of bloggers, brands (Ben & Jerry), a three-storey loft, old-school consoles (black and white Gameboy ones, Super Nintendo Entertainment System etc.) and hosted an amazing party in Paris. I find this the most amazing thing ever invented and one of the few things that makes me say “I wish I had thought of that”. I had thought of something similar but it involved something about marketing to women!

If they ever come to the UK or someone here decides to make something like this happen, get your ‘Internet‘ tshirts out and go for it.

Think Locally, Fuck Globally

Well I know it’s a Gogol Bordello song but it’s the best thing that could describe advertising as we know it now. I got this strange opportunity to travel a lot these days and while other people are probably enjoying their holidays and relaxing, trying to get rid of work, I’m doing exactly the opposite. More work? Sure, give it to me!

I know Charles made a post a while ago about McDonald’s selling their coffee as ‘premium’ in China whereas you don’t get ‘premium’ quality anywhere else around Europe – I wouldn’t know about the United States as I’ve not been there in the last years but anyway; the entry is called ‘Sexy Beijing‘ and I advise anyone mildly interested in what I write around here to read it. It’s a very relevant post about how not only China but Asia and communist were different from the ‘rest of the world’ and still are, while trying to maintain this sort of ‘freedom, bound and restricted’.

While no one would care about coffee at McDonald’s and what it tastes like, it does matter when you’re a regular. When you drink coffee on a regular basis you can definitely tell when it tastes orgasmic and when it’s only water mixed with something that gives it a brown colour and has caffeine in it. I can tell that Starbucks in Romania tastes strange compared to the one in the UK. Even in the UK, maybe coffee in Manchester tastes different than the one in London (don’t go making any funny jokes now please. You know what I’m talking about.). Despite trying to keep the taste the same, it will never happen.

I’m all in for advertising brands with a local flavour as long as they appeal to the various crowds and consumers and makes ads more relevant to them but there’s something very strange about Burn. For UK people who don’t know what Burn is, it’s Coca Cola’s energy drink and around Italy and the rest of Europe they’ve had a strange positioning. It wasn’t like Relentless, it wasn’t like Red Bull, it was the ‘posh night club energy drink‘ but not the ‘potent energy drink‘.

Take a look at this ad made in Italy:

Just so you have a real taste of what it used to be like, here’s a very old poster featuring vodka and Burn:

You can sort of see where they’re coming from and where they’re heading to. Unless they’ve changed their whole strategy by 180 degrees, Italy is way off with what they’re doing to Burn, turning it into Lynx/Axe but failing miserably by adding a really stupid and unwelcome twist at the end. They also say imitation is the highest form of flattery. Or is it.

Yes, I am outraged. What the hell are they turning Burn into? I’m not liking this especially since it’s a very shallow strategy considering in most European countries legislation states you’re not allowed to show any product as enhancing sexual performance or ‘getting you the women’. You’re not allowed to show people smoking, drinking and being succesful in a sexual or erotic way. So what’s up with this anyway?

Batman is a Business and an Utopia

Yeah you know, Batman used to be the hero of my childhood. Now that Christian Bale has been playing the role it just makes him the hero of my …er, adulthood (even though it feels like you become an adult when you stop running in the opposite direction on escalators).

But the new posters for the ‘The Dark Knight‘ movie are so…condescendingly stupid. First one is Batman in his costume looking down on all of Gotham and every simpletons that can’t afford to be him as if he’s mister fucking rich from all this superhero business.

Second one is The Joker in what we here in the city like to call ‘wishful thinking’, some 100 lane street which would solve our traffic problems forever and always.

Seriously, I liked Batman but these posters are a bit exaggerated. Please. They are theatrical and impressive but if you do pay a bit more attention to them they’re almost an insult.

No, It’s MINE

Ah yes, when I said I wasn’t impressed by my plane trip all the way to Romania, it was because I was flying with Lufthansa. Not that they’re not a nice company or we had delays but because I’m tired of the ‘Ham or cheese?‘ question which hasn’t changed in years since my dad was flying with them.

The second reason would be the airport over here which made my heart go a bit faster when I realised my luggage was nowhere to be found at the baggage claim area. I panicked. The airport conveyor belt stopped once and everyone around me was desperate to get their stuff back (this was happening at about 1.30 in the morning). Some more luggage came through, people started leaving. Conveyor belt stops again. I felt my heart sink. What if they lost it? What’s happened to it? See, Andrea, this is why you don’t buy designer clothing and travel with it, because they’re twats, that’s what they are!

It took forty great minutes for a Samsonite piece of luggage to show up, I took a look at it and gasped – it was full of scratches but nevertheless I picked it up only to notice a strange tag on it that said Andreas something, a german name. Shit, that’s not mine! So I put it back and waited some ten more minutes for mine to show up, it eventually did and on the way out I noticed who the other identical one belonged to: the pilot!

I felt stupid.

Exciting Christmas Holiday, Part 1

I said earlier I hate flying to Eastern Europe. It’s not just a shallow and stupid prejudice, I hate the place, I really do. Not the culture, more like the people, namely the crowds! I think they’re (or were at least) fascinating as consumers because you could sell almost anything to anyone but because everyone was so desperate trying to sell, they forgot how to educate them on the way. It’s only when the harm is done you realise you should have changed something when you had the opportunity to. But that’s a different story.

Random things I was reminded about:

• People can’t queue. I wonder how long it will take them to learn how to form a queue;
• Adaptors for UK plugs are so rare they’re worth their weight in gold;
• IKEA must be doing some really wild Christmas sales right now;

• Traffic is a pain and roundabouts the other way around are strange;
• My nan cooks too much and will get me fat;
• Snow is never fun, it’s a pain when it makes everyone forget how to drive;

• Having sat-nav is about as useless as having ‘Lord of the Rings’ in Chinese and attempting to read it;
• No one cares if you take pictures inside stores;
• Starbucks uses milk that tastes funny or it’s just cows in Romania that produce strange milk – grass must hold the answer!

• Smoking bans are the best thing ever invented, shame they’re not present here and there’s smoke all over the place;
• My squished Double Decker might be the only Double Decker in Romania!
• Clothing is expensive, a lot more expensive than in the UK

• If the UK is really bothered with ads showing slim models and ‘perfect’ bodies, here no one really cares, bullying is not dealt with (‘This is life. Cope with it!‘) and I’ve seen way too many ethically incorrect ads already.

Travelling

I had such a great day it was ruined by the thought of losing my luggage on the way and a non-signaled manhole on my street. Never a dull moment.